“Abrupt!”

“I feel like someone chopped off an appendage!”

“There’s no place like home. No, really—there’s NO place like home!”

The statements above describe my emotions when my family moved from North Carolina to Washington D.C. at the same time my oldest son left home to attend college in Tennessee. The transition felt brusque and harsh to me. Over the next few months we adjusted to D.C. as our new home, but when our son came to D.C. on school holidays he felt like he was visiting a strange city.

The shift from being supervisor of daily activities to mentor of an adult child is a necessary and natural adjustment for parents and children. However, the change in roles can feel curt for military families when home base suddenly changes to an unfamiliar location.

Mary had to feel some of the same emotions as her parenting role shifted. After all, how do you parent the Son of God? No miracles are recorded in the New Testament up to the miracle described in John chapter two, but this was the beginning of the public ministry of Jesus. Jesus performed this miracle at the prompting of his mother. Things would not be the same after this miraculous event.

The response of Jesus to Mary’s request may seem harsh to our Western way of thinking, but when Jesus addressed Mary as “woman,” he took the necessary step toward redefining their roles. His identity moved from son to Savior. He was not only the son of Mary; he was also the Son of God. He willingly responded to her request to do something to help the bride and groom, but he did not do it under her authority. This time he moved in the authority granted him by God. Mary’s response was exemplary. She did not take offense, question him, or rebuke him for his response to her. She trusted him to do the right thing, illustrated by her command, “Do whatever he tells you.”

Whether the adjustment is a swift ninety-degree turn or a slow curve, remember that parents still play an important role as children leave home. Your role as one who believes and trusts in our children’s God given talents and gifts will not change. Your encouragement can be your child’s home, no matter where you live.

How was your experience when you left home for the first time? In what ways would you want it to be the same or different for your child?

Ask either of my boys where they are from and the answer will be, “Nowhere.” I know this because I posed the question to each of them. I also asked them if they resented the day they had to turn in their military ID card after they reached the age of ineligibility. My guilt was assuaged when they both answered, “No.”

As I spent time on a Military BRAT web forum I learned that many adults who grew up in a military family struggle with a sense of belonging well after they relinquish their ID. One woman wrote of her experience, “We no longer carry a Military ID, and we are no longer welcomed on a military installation. In fact, the military does not even recognize our existence. They have taken our privileges, and we are left to ourselves to adapt to a foreign, civilian world. The second we resign our ID card, we resign our identity.”

When Jesus asked the question, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” he was not denying his relationship with his family. Rather, he pointed out that from an eternal perspective his family included all of those who live for God. In a practical sense, he was showing the transition from his identity being from his family of origin to his disciples partnering with him in ministry. Jesus established a community in which believing on him as Savior means we are all “accepted in the beloved” (Ephesians 1:6 KJV).

As military families, we must prepare our children for the day they leave the nest. That preparation must include a thorough understanding of our confidence in their unique ability to contribute to the world. Most importantly, that preparation must include an understanding of their identity as a child of God. Their military ID card may expire, but their status as residents of God’s Kingdom will bring a sense of belonging that a military ID cannot begin to match.

In what ways are you preparing your child to leave the nest? In what ways are you teaching your child about their identity in Christ?

Do you remember the first time someone rejected or treated your child poorly? I sure do! The strong emotions of anger mixed with compassion and an overwhelming need to protect my child welled up within me. Someone had to hold me back and talk me down! The mother lion in me was awakened and I was ready to pounce on those who mistreated my cub.

My kids experienced the spectrum of acceptance and its lack because of their military status. At Ft. Leavenworth they attended a great school on the installation. They met acceptance from the other kids because all the kids were military like them. When we moved to North Carolina they attended a public school. My youngest son began playing on the varsity football team as a sophomore. However, when the coach found out that we would be moving in the middle of the season he pulled him out of play. The coach rejected him because he was a military kid who would not be around next year to help the team. Yeah, someone had to hold me back and talk me down after that situation!

Was Mary like me when Jesus was rejected in his hometown? Jesus did not follow the pattern of hometown boys. Surely a good Jewish boy would have remained in the village and continued his father’s occupation as a carpenter. Add in that Jesus was teaching beyond what the townsfolk thought was his ability and you get rejection. He did not fit their preconceived ideas of a homeboy. Their inflexibility and unbelief was their loss, because “he did not do many mighty works” among them.

As a mother, I must look at the big picture. Was I angry and disappointed for my child when he was rejected because of his dad’s job? Yes. Did I think it was unfair? Yes. (It was!) However, disappointments and, yes, even rejection, can prepare and train kids for the realities of a world that can be unfair and harsh. My natural tendency is to get angry, protect, and strike back. But I need to remember that I am not rearing children, I am rearing adults. Handled wisely, rejection can build resilience and character. Our children need to learn how to bounce back in spite of challenges. Military kids can grow up to be resilient adults.

What difference does it make to think of your role as rearing adults as opposed to rearing children? How have you helped your child bounce back from challenges?

I cannot begin to grasp the sadness, fear, and grief Mary must have felt as she watched Jesus journey to the cross. Her son—her firstborn—was fighting his most significant battle to accomplish the ultimate victory for mankind. The battle with spiritual and physical forces weakened him to the point of total exhaustion. His suffering was beyond comprehension. Yet surrounded by political authorities and bystanders who demanded his death, he showed concern for his mother.

This scene at the cross exemplifies the strength of family ties and the responsibility we have to care for each other even during the most difficult times. Jesus knew that after his death and resurrection, he would no longer continue as Mary’s son in the flesh, but her human needs for care would remain. He assigned the disciple he loved the role of caregiver.

Her grief was palpable, but for her this was not the end. As you read the first chapter of the book of Acts, you will discover that Mary was waiting in the Upper Room with all who had gathered for the promised Holy Spirit to come. She was present at the formation of the church as described in Acts 1:14: “All these with one accord were devoting themselves to prayer, together with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and his brothers.” She would continue to claim and proclaim Jesus as Messiah and Lord. The same Holy Spirit, who overshadowed her when the angel came and told her she would give birth to Jesus, would fill her with power to carry on the mission of Jesus after his resurrection.

Jesus shows us how we can fulfill our individual calling in life, while expressing an appropriate level of concern for others in our family and doing what we can to meet their needs.

In what ways does your family take care of each other? No matter the age of your child, it is never too soon to think about the future. How do you want to be cared for as you grow older?